A Year of Changes

I cannot believe it has been over a year and half since I last blogged! So many changes have occurred in my life, and I guess letting things go just happens. Perhaps, it's time for a little catch up...

A year ago last April, I decided to embark on a new journey with my career. Living in Las Vegas, education of our youth is not something many people take seriously. The city grew quickly and then took a nose dive when the economy diminished. As a result, many schools were neglected. The new superintendent put into place, "The Turnaround Model." In this model, schools would basically be gutted and get a chance to start over. I thought this would be an amazing time to try out high school, and finally make a difference in lives! I applied for an English position and was hired on the spot! I was so grateful for this chance. And, to make it even better, I was hired to be the freshman basketball girls coach! It felt like my life was finally falling into place.

Life isn't easy. Isn't that what everyone says? I knew that taking on a neglected high school with students that hadn't been taught to "play school" would be a challenge. I wanted this. I needed this. It was a chance to prove to the world that I was an amazing teacher. I had myself envisioned as Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers or maybe Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. Perhaps, I was a little like that...

I knew this scene. I lived this scene over and over again. I worked hard. I worked harder than I had ever worked in my life. If I could have worked 24 hours a day, I would have. I researched and created lesson plans, I graded papers, I analyzed test scores, and I tried to figure out a way to connect to students I had no way of truly reaching because I was just the white girl in the front of the classroom with a literature book in my hand and hopes of changing the world. This was not a movie, I was not Hilary Swank, and I was failing.

My parents always filled my mind with positive affirmations growing up - you can do anything you put your mind to. Guess what Mom and Dad! Maybe you put your mind to something and you discover that you aren't as good as you thought you were. I was pushed down and had boulder placed on me to keep me from being able to move forward. Eventually, I was able to remove some of the boulders, and move some, but never to a full standing position. For the first time in my life, I understood what it felt like to be the student that did all the work for a class, but failed all the tests anyway.

By January, I had my first "nervous" breakdown ever. No, I'm not kidding. It came after winter break. In fact, the Sunday before returning, I felt depressed. But a different depressed - this one felt heavier, like it was embedded in me. I felt like a huge backpack was on my back, and this bag was filled with rocks and bricks. I was moving slowly and hesitantly. The first day back, I cried. I cried the moment I saw the football lights of the school until I parked my car. I cleaned myself up enough to get through the day. Then, I would head to my car as quickly as I could after school and cry all the way home. What good was I to these kids when waking up in the morning, getting myself dressed and into the car took everything out of me? But, I tried. I tried my hardest to be the teacher that I had promised them to be, and I would the one that wouldn't give up on them. But, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't be the one to give up on myself. That's what happened. Ultimately, I failed. Sometimes people fail. I was not right for these kids, who needed so much, but there a few that are. I met them and I admire them for the job they can do, one I have learned I cannot do.

Why am I going into this story? I feel like all the secrets I have been keeping are flowing out of me. Maybe this is a way to finally move on from this experience. But, when I walked out of those halls for the last time last week, I felt them haunting me. Did I give up on a group of students that needed me? Did I do everything I could for them? Is there someone else out there that can take care of these kids better than I did? I hope so. They deserve it. This experience went so far beyond just the kids. Many other factors contributed to my feelings and my decision to leave this school. It would be impossible to discuss those parts of my story, as education is probably one of the most political careers ever. Burning bridges is not a good idea. So, I learn. I have to learn from the experience. I believe that there are a few students who will look back fondly on an English teacher they had in their sophomore/junior year and remember something I taught them.

After giving up a year of my life and only looking at the next thing to mark off my work "to do" list. I want to find myself a little bit again. I feel timid and unsure of myself. I'm going to start doing things that bring happiness back into my life. I'm heading back to the gym with the intent of making myself physically healthier, and I am taking my first vacation since last summer - a much needed weekend just for the girls in Newport Beach. 2 days of putting my toes in the sand and turning my face towards the sun is the perfect was to heal me!

Life isn't easy, but it does go on...