Waking Up...Ahhhh...That Wasn't What I Expected!

You know that feeling when you wake up after a really long nap? A little groggy at first, but then slowly things start to clear up? That's the feeling I had last week. Last week was the start to summer break, and it was like that groggy part of the nap. I felt the weight of the year lifting slowly off my shoulders, but yet, I felt really antsy. I wasn't really sure what I should do with myself. Mason and I eased our way into the week. We took it slow, went to soccer practice, grocery store, swimming, sonic happy hour, and read under the ceiling fan at the end of a hot day. It was great.

On Friday, my mom and I decided that a quick girls trip to Newport Beach, California was needed. We wanted a chance to lay comatose on the beach and do nothing. That was exactly what we did, but notice that I will not be posting any pictures from the trip. Why? Because that groggy feeling has worn off and the clarity has set in. On Friday, Mom and I headed to Balboa Island after arriving in Newport. We walked the tiny main street and found a cute little Italian restaurant to eat dinner. While walking past a store window, I didn't recognize the person I saw. Why is that person wearing that shirt when her stomach is so big? Reality? Even though this was one of the best, most relaxing weekends in a long time, I am waking up to the world around me, the world that I had been ignoring since last June, and it's not very pretty. In the back of my mind, I keep hearing:

I know, I know. You're not supposed to call yourself fat. It's not good for your self esteem, but looking like this isn't good for your self esteem either! I wish I could blame someone for this, but in the end, it was my own doing. Remember when I was going to the gym every day? I miss those days, and I am hoping to get those days back. I stopped taking care of myself and as a result...I have a lot of work to do! I even knew I was making bad choices, but I turn to food for comfort. So, here's how it would go...

A busy day of working would result in skipping lunch. So, by the time I was leaving work I was starving. Driving by McDonald's, Taco Bell, etc, I would think to myself it wouldn't be so bad; after all, I hadn't eaten since this morning. Maybe once in awhile this would have been acceptable, but 2 to 3 times a week (OK, sometimes more) is not healthy. My other favorite excuse for eating was when something happened that upset me during the day. For example, lets say one of the students would call me a four letter word or tell me that I sucked as a teacher - Ben and Jerry's it is! Ice cream solves all problems, right? Well, the kids still called me four letter words and the fridge still had to be stocked with chocolate chip cookie dough and Cherry Garcia, so I'm thinking the problem was not solved by getting the tub of ice cream out and a spoon.

Damn! My pants were getting tighter. You would think I would have taken the hint then. Nope, I just went and bought bigger pants. I cut the tags out and no one would know the difference. When I went and talked to the doctor, he said that I was going to struggle with weight loss because of the stress. The word cortisol was discussed. Doing a little research I discovered that women, in particular, will have high levels of cortisol during stress situations. It's not bad in short spurts of stress because it gives energy. But, in chronic stress situations it can lead to high blood pressure and the worst - abdominal fat! Hello! That makes sense! I kept waiting on a baby to arrive with the way my stomach was pooched out! Apparently, in 9 months I wouldn't have a baby, but in 9 months I might have some relief! I haven't exercised since July of last year! Walking up and down the stairs at the school was difficult. I avoided leaving my classroom except when coming and going to work because that limited me to walking up and down the stairs to 4 times a day. Pathetic right??

Like I said, I have a lot of work to do...on myself. Here we go again! The battle of the bulge! In April, I started taking some small strides towards fitness. I joined a water aerobics class at our local aquatics  center. I have been going twice a week. I haven't seen much weight loss, but I have seen parts of my body starting to look better - I am not quite in danger of knocking myself out with the teacher flap when I raise my arms! I'm walking the track at the park near my house, and I have been using 5 pound weights to do some basic arm exercises. I'm also doing different sets of sit ups and crunches. It seems so small considering what I used to do, but trust me, it hasn't been easy to jump back into the exercise routine. It's that getting older thing and the fact that I have been allowed to be LAZY for so long. No more!

I have some goals! I leave for Vero Beach on July 3rd. I am realistic, but I think I can lose 5 pounds before I go. I will do some kind of activity every day until then. It may only be sit ups, but it's going to happen no matter what! And, I refuse to diet (it doesn't work!), but I am going to watch what I eat. I'm forcing myself to eat at home and make better choices! For example, at lunch I ate a handful of grapes with my sandwich instead of a handful of chips. It's a start.

I have more goals, but I want to accomplish this goal first and then take it from there! Wish me luck!

Walk a Mile in my Shoes Disclaimer

Just a side note on the post entitled, "Walk a Mile in my Shoes," this post was started in April 2011. It was when the teachers were in high gear fighting for the rights of surpluses, longer hours, less pay, and overall cuts in education. For some reason, I stopped writing, but found this to be appropriate over a year later, as the same situations are appearing again.

Never stop helping teachers. We need people to support us all the time. Thank you to those who do.

Walk a mile in my shoes! Nevermind, I don't want to share.

A day in the life of a 29 year old English teacher and coach - something my blog advertises. This is something I haven't gotten to truly blog about. Why? Because I am so busy living that life of a teacher and coach to stop and document it. I realize how important that step in my blog would have been, considering the devastating condition the school district I work for is currently in.

Nevada is currently being subjected to massive budget cuts. The governor is trying to cut the budget $250 million to $400 million. Concessions that are being battled: nearly 10-15% cut in pay (8% in salary, 1.25% increase in PERS, and nearly $60 per month added to health care), less days in the school year, 37 to 40/1 student/teacher ratios, 50% of the school supplies budget cut, performing arts, language and extra curricular activities being slashed, less available transportation for students, 1,800 positions being cut, and the biggest cut occurring - the quality of education that will be given to the students who are the future of Nevada.

The teachers and the students are certainly not taking these cuts lightly, and we have come together the best we can to try and get our voices heard. We have started "Working to the Rule" - meaning that we only work the hours we are contracted for - 7:30 until 2:41. We have canceled extra curricular activities that require teachers to put in voluntary non-paid overtime. We are using the times we are leaving to demonstrate about the effects these cuts will make on our students. The school I work for was in the newspaper Las Vegas Sun on Wednesday, April 27th for the demonstration. The article was entitled: Las Vegas Teacher Protest Proposed Budget Cuts.

After contract hours sign making - Ben, 7th grade English/reading

Me and co-worker, Amanda, 7th grade US history and Spanish, making signs

Kate, 8th grade World Geography, sign making

My mom, myself, Dave, Jeff, Tiffany, Trina, Amanda, and Kate protesting the budge cuts

Leaving as a group at 2:41, Amanda, Deanna, Gayle, me, Mr. Z, and Tom

I was proud of the work our group had been doing. We were passionate, excited, and so determined. Yet, after the article showed up, I made the mistake of reading the comments made by people who read the article. I felt stung! I was hurt! How can people say such things? We are educating their children; yet, they feel these things about us! It's no wonder there is no support for our cause. I cannot believe that people in this state, that have students attending schools in the district, could say such horrible, inaccurate words. I was so naive in thinking that because teachers worked for children that people would rally around us and protect us. There are many that have, and I can't thank those people enough. I am so grateful, but I see the following words and can't help but feel slightly defeated again:

The money just isn't there. Come on teachers, if you care so much about the kids do NOT short-change them. Protest another way.

 It's because the money isn't there that we have to protest this way. You see, although many believe that the only reason we are working contract times and not giving any more personal time to our students is because there is no money to compensate us or the worst is that we just don't care! Not true! If you want me to stay after school to tutor your child, you will probably want that child to have the chance to get back on a bus to get home - busing is in jeopardy. You want your child to participate in school athletics, but are you going to be okay with the new school hours that will have your children completing practice around 7 PM. Games will start later, which means that during the middle school basketball season, 11-14 year old kids will be roaming the streets anytime from 6:00PM until 8:00 PM trying to get home. If I don't protest, then the supplies needed to educate the students will be cut 50%, which means I will have 50% of the resources needed to educate your child. How many other professions are expected to provide their own workspace with supplies? I purchase markers, paper, pens, pencils, binders, copy paper, etc every year to provide students in my classroom. Why? Because in many situations, if I don't, then who will? So, ask that question again. If I care so much about the kids do not short-change them, protest in another way? Well, I would say, if I want to continue to see the government short change my students, then I will stop. I care too much about them to do that, so I'm going to keep holding my signs.

We threw more and more money at teachers for years and received less! Lets try it the other way and see if we can get back to a decent education for a decent cost, because throwing more money at teachers sure didn't work!

 WOW! Please explain to me how we have had money thrown at us more and more. The last time I received a raise was in 2007. The last two years I didn't even receive cost of living raise, so my salary hasn't changed in three years. Although, the bills I have, which I pay on time every month, have gotten higher. So, two years ago I was fine financially, but now it's pay check to pay check. I have not received new text books in 5 years of teaching. I have been limited to the amounts of copies I turn in, and my computer is so old that it is no longer compatible with the computer I use at my home. Yet, I have managed to do a phenomenal job. In fact my scores are some of the highest in my school. Because we are teachers, you can give us the impossible, and we make it happen. But, the kids didn't put themselves in this situation, and they didn't ask for the country to go into a recession. Why should they be the ones to suffer the most from it?

In Clark County, you get what you pay for. Teachers, by a far majority, aren't the brightest bulbs in the world. In college their curriculum is the easiest and simplest of all the liberal arts majors. I went to one of the top Universities in the country (and studied Engineering); unfortunately those in the "Education School" just weren't that bright. Math and Science classes were "too hard"; the tradition continues into the public schools to this day....shortage of qualified math and science teachers. Face it; those that can do, do; those who can't, teach. Those idiots in the picture probably can't do much else in society...they couldn't hack it in Finance, Engineering, "Business"; so they are teaching little Shaniqua and Jose how to read and write....and guess what? By 8th grade Shaniqua and Jose still can't read or write. Why? Because idiots like those in the picture go home at 2:41 pm. That's why. And the Union backs them up; they'll never be fired for cause or disciplined. And they will always (hardly) be worth the $40,000 or so they make for working 6 or 7 months out of the year until 2:41 pm. They can cry and whine; but guess what? They aren't indentured servants. They can quit if they don't like the pay, the hours, or the contract. Just quit. No shackles around your ankles. No slavery. You are FREE to leave the country now. Or State. And go get a job in Finance, Engineering, or "Business". If you think you can. But ultimately the joke is on them. They chose their profession; if they don't like the terms, just quit. Walk. If they can! At 2:42 pm...just keep walking....and walking....and GO!

I think this particular comment stung the most. Teachers aren't the brightest bulbs? We are the highest educated group of professionals, ones that must continually update our education to stay on top of the newest theories, developments and technology. The last time I checked, education was actually a science degree...hence the theories classes taken. I teach 7th grade, and I have yet to see a student walk through my doors that doesn't know how to read or write. However, the problem is that they are only exposed to reading and writing at school, so they fall behind the other students that do have those opportunities at home. When was the last time you sat down with your child and read them a story? In fact, when was the last time you sat down with your child and asked them how their day was? And, I think the point is being missed. None of the teachers are complaining about their job. We certainly are not leaving and going home at 2:41. We are continuing our job of educating, it's just that we are now educating the public on what is going to happen when more money is taken from the students. Just like the resistant student in the classroom, we will have resistant adults that don't truly understand what message we are trying to convey. We aren't complaining about being teachers, we are fighting for what our students deserve...a quality education. Without us, those finance, business, and engineering programs at the universities will be empty because teachers haven't prepared those kids for the rigorous courses ahead of them. Why didn't we prepare them? Well, perhaps it was the 36 or 37 other students in the classroom that was demanding the attention of the one teacher. So, if I walk out the door and keep on walking, who is going to take my job? Are you? I want the job, but I deserve the respect that any other educated professional receives.

So, let's break this down a little bit.

The "math" part of my job:

I receive a salary of 45, 142.08 a year. This is prior to deductions. Keeping in mind, we receive paychecks 12 months of the year, but we are only paid for 188 days worked = 240.12 per day. We work a contract day of 7 hours and 11 minutes or 431 minutes per day = approximately $33.60 an hour. Not too bad for the hours and times we have off in a year.  It would be great if we actually worked that amount of time in a day or just the 188 days a year, but that is not the reality of this job.

The "reality" of the job:
Please understand that I am not an exception, but rather the rule when it comes to this part. I am apart of a workforce that performs these types of hours/duties on a regular basis.

I will begin in August and describe a typical year of a teacher. This year school began on August 23rd. Teachers returned to work on August 18th. However, by the week of August 9th, I had begun going into my classroom from 8 AM until noon to start the initial set up of the classroom - 2.5 days total. I came in on August 16th and 17th for an additional training. We are now up to 4.5 days extra of days. On January 8th, 15th and 17th  I was participating in an all day tournament for the basketball team. We are now up to 7.5 days of unpaid time. Let's talk hours. During a typical week, meaning no basketball season, I am at work at 7:15 AM and work until at least 3:15 PM, now it's 8 hours in the school building. But, the day is not done for me. Inside the bag I bring home, at approximately 7:00 PM I bring that bag out and begin to correct papers of students  - which is a minimum of 2 assignments a week at 157 per teacher for a total of 314 papers to correct. I also research, prepare and plan assignments and lessons. At about 10:00 PM I call it a night. Now the 8 hours in the building + 3 hours at home = 11 hours a day. Let's redo the math from above. The hourly rate is now $21.00. That's quite different from the above contractual day.

I am the girls basketball coach, so lets make sure to add that time up as well. A typical day during basketball season goes a little like this: into the classroom by 7:15, the girls arrive to my classroom at 2:30 PM to have 1 hour of study hall prior to practice. Practice begins at 4:00 and goes until 5:30 PM. By the time I have all the girls picked up and accounted for, I am able to drive home at 6:00 PM. By 7:00 PM I am grading papers, making lessons, and creating practice plans and game plans. The 10 PM cut off becomes 11:00 PM or midnight. We are now talking about a 15 hour day. That is just over $15 an hour. At this point, you might ask me why I bother?

Here is why I bother...

I love my job. I make a difference every single day of my life. How many people get to say that they work with kids, the direct link to our future, and actually inspire them? I do. I have done the desk jobs. I have worked the 9 to 6 jobs with 2 weeks vacation a year, and I would never go back. Why? These kids need me, and I need them. I am a stable, safe, and comfortable normality for students that don't have that in their life. Are you passionate about what you do for a living? I am. When I come up with a new and exciting way to teach a concept, I feel like a kid on Christmas Day. I want to sit down side by side with a student and explain to them exactly why they have to have a comma in a certain spot. Why? Because 5 years from that day, when they are completing a resume for a new job, they will remember the crazy 7th grade English teacher that sat next to them and showed them the reason that comma goes in that spot, and as a result, they may have the advantage over the competition. Small and insignificant? Ask the one that didn't get the job.

I am the one that gets past the hormonal, attitude covered shell that covers 7th graders and teaches them that it's okay to trust, and it's okay to be successful. I'm the one that knows that the quiet girl in the back row that has fallen asleep in class the last 3 days is not a discipline problem, but a little girl that hasn't slept in a bed the past week because her family was locked out of their apartment. I'm the one that knows that the trouble maker in the front row who is giggling extra hard this afternoon and stumbling when he walks has consumed alcohol. I'm the one that knows that sometimes a kid needs a teacher to pat them on the back and let them know you are there for them, and sometimes a kid needs to be told to shape up and get it together.

Teachers do make a difference. Even though this post is old, I still think it's important to post. Because, 400 teachers were given pink slips last week. Many teachers were completely unaware they would be getting them. Think of the domino effect...if the teachers are unprovided for...the direct result with be the students are going to be unprovided for. If I were a parent, I would want to make sure that the teachers were happy. Happy teachers = happy students!

A Year of Changes

I cannot believe it has been over a year and half since I last blogged! So many changes have occurred in my life, and I guess letting things go just happens. Perhaps, it's time for a little catch up...

A year ago last April, I decided to embark on a new journey with my career. Living in Las Vegas, education of our youth is not something many people take seriously. The city grew quickly and then took a nose dive when the economy diminished. As a result, many schools were neglected. The new superintendent put into place, "The Turnaround Model." In this model, schools would basically be gutted and get a chance to start over. I thought this would be an amazing time to try out high school, and finally make a difference in lives! I applied for an English position and was hired on the spot! I was so grateful for this chance. And, to make it even better, I was hired to be the freshman basketball girls coach! It felt like my life was finally falling into place.

Life isn't easy. Isn't that what everyone says? I knew that taking on a neglected high school with students that hadn't been taught to "play school" would be a challenge. I wanted this. I needed this. It was a chance to prove to the world that I was an amazing teacher. I had myself envisioned as Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers or maybe Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. Perhaps, I was a little like that...

I knew this scene. I lived this scene over and over again. I worked hard. I worked harder than I had ever worked in my life. If I could have worked 24 hours a day, I would have. I researched and created lesson plans, I graded papers, I analyzed test scores, and I tried to figure out a way to connect to students I had no way of truly reaching because I was just the white girl in the front of the classroom with a literature book in my hand and hopes of changing the world. This was not a movie, I was not Hilary Swank, and I was failing.

My parents always filled my mind with positive affirmations growing up - you can do anything you put your mind to. Guess what Mom and Dad! Maybe you put your mind to something and you discover that you aren't as good as you thought you were. I was pushed down and had boulder placed on me to keep me from being able to move forward. Eventually, I was able to remove some of the boulders, and move some, but never to a full standing position. For the first time in my life, I understood what it felt like to be the student that did all the work for a class, but failed all the tests anyway.

By January, I had my first "nervous" breakdown ever. No, I'm not kidding. It came after winter break. In fact, the Sunday before returning, I felt depressed. But a different depressed - this one felt heavier, like it was embedded in me. I felt like a huge backpack was on my back, and this bag was filled with rocks and bricks. I was moving slowly and hesitantly. The first day back, I cried. I cried the moment I saw the football lights of the school until I parked my car. I cleaned myself up enough to get through the day. Then, I would head to my car as quickly as I could after school and cry all the way home. What good was I to these kids when waking up in the morning, getting myself dressed and into the car took everything out of me? But, I tried. I tried my hardest to be the teacher that I had promised them to be, and I would the one that wouldn't give up on them. But, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't be the one to give up on myself. That's what happened. Ultimately, I failed. Sometimes people fail. I was not right for these kids, who needed so much, but there a few that are. I met them and I admire them for the job they can do, one I have learned I cannot do.

Why am I going into this story? I feel like all the secrets I have been keeping are flowing out of me. Maybe this is a way to finally move on from this experience. But, when I walked out of those halls for the last time last week, I felt them haunting me. Did I give up on a group of students that needed me? Did I do everything I could for them? Is there someone else out there that can take care of these kids better than I did? I hope so. They deserve it. This experience went so far beyond just the kids. Many other factors contributed to my feelings and my decision to leave this school. It would be impossible to discuss those parts of my story, as education is probably one of the most political careers ever. Burning bridges is not a good idea. So, I learn. I have to learn from the experience. I believe that there are a few students who will look back fondly on an English teacher they had in their sophomore/junior year and remember something I taught them.

After giving up a year of my life and only looking at the next thing to mark off my work "to do" list. I want to find myself a little bit again. I feel timid and unsure of myself. I'm going to start doing things that bring happiness back into my life. I'm heading back to the gym with the intent of making myself physically healthier, and I am taking my first vacation since last summer - a much needed weekend just for the girls in Newport Beach. 2 days of putting my toes in the sand and turning my face towards the sun is the perfect was to heal me!

Life isn't easy, but it does go on...

Holidays + Family = Tradition

Tis the season

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don't clean it up too quickly."  

Andy Rooney

This year I spent a lot of time with my students talking about traditions. It went along with a unit we were studying, Charles Dickens, The Christmas Carol. As a child, even as an adult I wasn't a huge fan of this story. But, it did force me to look back into my own memories and think about the traditions our family has always had - - isn't that what the point of Christmas is about?

Today my family and I started to prepare for our traditional family Christmas Eve get together. I cannot think of a Christmas Eve when our family didn't gather at one of our homes, make too much food, laugh at life, and enjoy the gift given to us - our family. This, of course, got me thinking about the past. Christmas has always been such a warm memory for me. It is always "home" in the utmost meaning of the word. 

When my sisters and I were younger, my favorite memories always involved the being smashed into a bed with my sisters waiting for the perfect time to wake my parents up. We would yell at the top of our lungs that we were ready to get up...even if it was 5 AM in the morning. My parents would yell back that we had to go to back to sleep. It always seemed that we would do as we were told, and then my parents would come and wake us up. Of course, we had to wait in the bedroom until Mom had a chance to go and turn on the tree lights, set up the video camera, eat a cookie, and turn on the fireplace. My sisters and I would wait anxiously until we were told we could emerge. Our gifts would be set up in piles according to child. We always got a gift that was for all three of us. We would rush to rip open our goodies, share in delight at what Santa had brought, and watch as my mom chased behind us with trash sack picking up our wrapping paper messes. After gift were opened, Dad would always make us his special scrambled eggs breakfast with cinnamon rolls. 

As we got older, our families grew, but we always stayed so close. Unfortunately, every other year we would lose our little ones to the dreaded "exes". Although I have always absolutely adored having the little ones around, the years that we didn't have them always became a different tradition. We would still have an awesome Christmas Eve with the kids. But, at 8 PM they would leave. We would go to midnight mass at our church, and the everyone would come and spend the night at my parents house. We would light a fire in the fireplace. My parents would go to bed, but my sisters and their husbands would stay the night. We spread out all over the family room - pillows, blankets, and giggling until we would all fall asleep. We would wake up early, eat breakfast, open gifts and then begin working on the big Christmas dinner. Being the youngest of my sisters, and with the age difference with us, having this was incredible to me. I loved these family traditions. 

Our traditions have changed yet again, but the part that remains the same is that my family is together. Christmas Eve is still for the family to get together for our big event. We have begun making a theme for our meals...last year we had a fiesta...burritos, cheese enchiladas, homemade salsa...yum. This year is Italian! Our family has grown so much that the 10 and under kids get individual gifts and the rest of us have drawn names for families/households. I drew my nieces, Jordan and Jordyn. I am looking forward to seeing them open their gifts. We are also playing the white elephant game, and, of course, I am hoping my brother-in-law gets mine because he will LOVE it! I am looking forward to eating too much, taking a lot of pictures of my family together, and feeling the love we have for each other. It is the best night of the year. 

After the festivities at my sister's house, we will travel back into Vegas. I will spend the night at my parents house. It becomes like a mini slumber party, we get Mason ready for bed, hope Santa comes, and snuggle down for our long winter nap. The morning will be quiet, but exciting as Mason still believes. With that innocence, it's hard to not get caught up in the magic. Breakfast will be on Dad again, scrambled eggs! I love that coming home is like never having left home. It's as sweet as it was always meant to be. Below are some memories from last year. 

Merry Christmas from CoachB! 

Mason putting frosting on his cookies

Grant, my brother-in-law, always has the beer

The little boys playing the Wii

The family eating and hanging out

Jennifer and my other brother in law tormenting the baby

Big Red and Baby Kennedy

Baby Kennedy is just chillen

Our neighborhood does this for our streets

Cookie time and Santa note time

Sleep sweet

Deciding where to go first! The tree or the pile?

Mason and I playing around with Max

Gorgeous boy!

The Thomas Family

Me and my mom in matching night gowns...slumber party time.

My late night trouble makers

Good times, great memories.

Settling?

"Settlin" by one of my favorite country groups, Sugarland, is a great song that I feel describes my life. I know, it's so cliche to feel like a song is written for you, but I can't help but to think that it is...and perhaps it's written for every single person out in the world searching for "the one". 

Love? An interesting four letter word that surrounds us everyday, but is seems to suffocate us during certain times of the year...like now. I'm not cynical, I swear. I love my friends and family; I have been in love before. It's just that it seems that this time of year...until, I don't know, February, the word love and relationships take on a whole new meaning. Next year I'm going to be 29, which is really close to 30 and I can't help but look around me and think that this word and the pressure society has put on us to fall in love has taken on a different role in my life. I dread New Years because there never seems to be anyone I want to kiss at the strike of midnight, and please don't get me started on the upcoming Valentine's Day! Ack!

Let me explain. I'm a single and find my independence to be crucial. I've never been taught to just settle for anything. I fight for what I want; I work hard for the things in my life, and I take the matter of love very seriously. But, like a lot of people I fell to the society pressure...find love. In this day and age, you'd think that people would have it out of their heads that you have to be settled down and married by a certain age. Hasn't the term, "old hag" or "spinster" become obsolete? But either way, I was approaching the age of 25, and for whatever reason I was convinced that being in love and getting married was something I had to do. So, I began dating a guy and forced it to be the perfect situation. It was far from perfect, but 9 months into the relationship I agreed to marry this person. I was planning the perfect wedding to the most imperfect person. Reality hit me about 3 months from the wedding and I ended the engagement. It didn't stop me from thinking that I needed to keep searching. The next couple of years I searched and searched, and became miserable in the area of love. I don't know what hit me or how it hit me, but I realized that forcing a relationship isn't the answer. I needed to find who I was in order to find the one that could love me. Wow! Talk about a reality check. I'm a different person now. I look around at my life, and I am happy. I have a career that I love; I have a supportive family, amazing friends, and I am accomplished. I have been able to take care of myself, and whether someone came into my life right now or not, my happiness would not change. I wouldn't allow another person to take away something I have worked so hard to get, they would need to enhance my life. I don't search for that person anymore. I don't go out to look specifically for a significant other. I guess I just feel like if it was meant to be then that person would walk into my life.

This doesn't stop this "issue" from being apart of my life though. I look around and I know I am not alone. Most of my friends are in the same situation. I have several friends that have gone through break up after break up, divorces, and bad match.com dates. We are given stories like Online Dating Dangers and 36 Things Every Single Girl Must Do. What do we do with these things? It's like we, the females, are expected to make the changes. We walk on egg shells around what is expected of us. People pity us because we haven't found "a nice guy" to settle down with. What is that? Shouldn't we be commended for taking a stand on what we want, and not becoming another marriage statistic gone bad?

I have often wondered if we (woman seeking decent men) are asking too much? But, then I remember that we should never have to settle and I can't help but think that society needs to step it up to our standards. I look at myself and my best friends and think, there is no way that we aren't good enough for someone. I guess what I am really saying, in this mess of a babble, is that we are the normal ones. We are waiting and holding out for the right one...whatever or whoever that might be. With so many other pressures in this world, why should something as wonderful as love be included in on that list?

Just a few thoughts...

Baby, it's cold outside...

December 19th...Sunday...almost 5 pm...and I am finally relaxed.

I was reminded, ever so sweetly, by my mother that I had not updated my blog since August. And, with good reason...I swear. It has been a hectic year, and the changes that have occurred at the school I am currently teaching at has kept me moving from the start of school until this very moment. I won't dwell on the work situation because there isn't anything I can do about it, right? It's just a means to an end, and when I am having a day like today, I can't quite complain.

Let me set you the scenario...the weather in Las Vegas has been cloudy, dark, and windy. I am sitting in my nice clean house, with the lights from my Christmas tree and Christmas decorations glowing, and the sweet scent of my favorite candles are filling the room with my favorite Christmas smells - pine tree and cinnamon. The TV is set to Lifetime's Fa-la-la-la Christmas movie marathon, I am snuggled under my favorite pink blanket on my favorite spot on the couch, and I know that I have freedom for 2 weeks. I haven't left my little sanctuary all day, and I don't plan on it. This is a much needed rest as I prepare myself for the upcoming 2011 and what it has in store for me. I am happy at this moment.

Christmas Tree 2010

You know me and my need to list things to remind me of all that I am grateful for. Winter season is no different...

1. My family - Lord knows that if it wasn't for them, I would be a complete basket case by now. Times have been tough, I have been cranky, and they haven't stopped supporting me.

My family in Nelson, Nevada

2. My best friends - the group is small, but we are close. I can't imagine getting through the times, good or bad, without them by my side.

Me and my girls at BWW, December 2010

3. Building a relationship with my sister - our road has been bumpy but getting past those things has been important. I missed her when we weren't close. She makes me laugh, and I love that I can call her my friend again.

Gotcha...eating! HAHA

4. Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia frozen yogurt - my treat, my companion on stressful days.

Yummy

5. Kennedy Michelle  - for being extra naughty and making me laugh on a regular basis

Little Kenny, behaving for a second...

6. Mac and Cheese - my comfort food. 

7. Hugs - I can't believe how much I need them right now. I've always loved them, but right now they are essential to my existence - the bigger the hug, the better.

8. Basketball - from my girls at the middle school to my boys in Boston - I LOVE THIS GAME!

Big Baby, #11 is my love

9. Photography - my escape. Thank you to the families and friends that have allowed me to be apart of their family for a few hours and capture their memories.

The list isn't as long, but it's a start. I'm going to sign off now and enjoy my stressful evening. Let's get this new year going....